I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
