If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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