whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
