he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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