While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
