He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
