someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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