There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
