3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
