chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
