I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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