Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
