When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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