guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
this is an emotional support booty call
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