The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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