So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
