Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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