Im at strip club and am horny
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
