Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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