I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
