it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
