Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
