But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize