no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
