he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
