seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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