When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
