If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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