I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
