I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
