you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
