It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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