I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
