i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
