I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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