My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My ass is underappreciated
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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