hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
