Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
