you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
