I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
