hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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