I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
