Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
