There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
