ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
