A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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