the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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