just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
