Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
