You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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