i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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