Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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