my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it hurts more in the daytime
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
