fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
