I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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