i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
