what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
