I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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