I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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