Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
